1 Any stories about ex-boyfriends, even ones told against the poor blokes. If your ex was a violent, brainless, tattooed ex-con, this will only make us feel boring and unmanly. And scared.
2 The phrase 'I'd say it's bang-on average, if not slightly bigger'. Best to steer clear of the size issue. Like us talking about your weight, it can only lead to misunderstanding and hurt.
3 Obsessive accounts of your diet and exercise regime. Men like skinny women, true. But they dislike being exposed to the borderline eating disorders and pathological obsessiveness that produce them. And curvy and sane always beats mad and thin. Eventually.
4 The accusing phrase, 'What's wrong with the blue dress, then?' after we have said we like the red one.
5 Any details of your day at work. Although men can find the most basic things endlessly fascinating - the number of buttons on their shirts, farting - they will suddenly develop ADD when it comes to your professional life. Unless you are a porn actress. No, actually, even then...
6 Any information about things you thought about buying. We are perfectly happy to admire actual purchases, but yearning for those phantom shoes/dress/ bag exasperates us.
7 Stories about other men patronising you. This will give us an irresistible urge to ruffle your hair and say in a kids-TV voice, 'Awww, did dey? Did dey do dat to oo?' I know, sometimes we're asking for trouble.
8 The word 'Fine' as a stand-alone sentence. The scariest syllable in the female vocabulary.
9 The sound of weeping. It destroys us.
10 Any details of strife you may be having with your female friends. The endless round of hurt and rapprochement that constitutes girls' friendships mystifies us. If she's that much trouble just delete her from your bloody mobile.
11 The phrase, 'Hang on, I'll just reply to this text before we order'. We want first claim on your attention, woman.
12 The phrase, 'Can you turn over, you're snoring'. Great, that's both of us awake.
13 The words 'Am I special? Am I?' Especially if you are drawing a circle around our nipple with your finger at the time.
14 Anyone else's name, in your sleep.
15 Your dreams. Unless we're in them. And in a good light, too. If not, save 'em for the shrink.